Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
