If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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