I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
