her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
