We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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