Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
