angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
