She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My feet surprised me
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