We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
