woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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