i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
