I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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