apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
