So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
