he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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