Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
