we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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