I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Randomize
