Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
