Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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