That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
