i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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