My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
