We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
