He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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