On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
