I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
