I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Enjoy the penises
I would fuck him just for his dog
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
