I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
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