His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I love how my cats smell like pot.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
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