I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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