Can i not drive my cunt home
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
