I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
