maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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