Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When did angry sex become our thing?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
