You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
