and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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