don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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