I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I will pee on everything he values.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
