Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
