1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
