how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
