i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
