i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
