The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
