I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
