Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
