Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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