Christians are straight up FREAKS
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
