Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
What a dumb baby whore.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
