I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
